Surrender

I live a rather boring life and that's how I like it. I go to work and then I go home and prepare for work the next day. If I have free time, I craft or go out to dinner with my friends. I'm a grandma stuck in a 23 year old body. I go to bed by nine pm most night.

 Most of the time I enjoy my life. I like working and have a busy schedule. There are a lot of things I want to accomplish and I'm not one to sit around. However, every few months I get this itch. It gnaws away at my quiet life.

The voice starts out small, whispers that my job is boring. Did I really want to be preschool teacher? Why do I also work two two other jobs? Don't I work enough? This is where my youth is going?

I smother the voice. I need a job to make money to buy things like food and clothing.

Okay I need to work. But I'm so lonely. Where did all your friends go? When was the last time you went on a date? And I'm desperate for human companionship. And I KNOW desperation is a toxic feeling that only drives other people away but I crave new people and new experiences. I want to go out to exciting places and meet the people doing them.

I shush the voice. I'm not the kind of person to go out and do exciting things. And if I'm honest. I've never been good at meeting new people, making friends, keep friends. Being a generally likable person etc. Going out to meet new people sounds terrifying but ultimately not worth it. More importantly, I love the people I know and I'm so grateful they're in my life. I don't need more people.

I go to work. I do my daily routine. See the same people, see the same places. Everything is forced and I'm living a personally construct hell with no one to blame but me. All I hear is that voice. It tells me to do crazy things. Quit my job. Travel the world. Have sex with that stranger. Go sky diving. Raise my middle finger to the world. Scream at the top of my lungs. Escape whatever prison my brain thinks I'm trapped in.

And the worst part is I'm not even trapped. I like my job and I love my friends. IT's only that voice that thinks I'm trapped. It's a siren going off in my head, telling me there's a crisis It's code red and I can barely sit still.

But there is no crisis. No real crisis. I like my job. I love my friends. What more could I want.

(I murder that voice.)

I wake up and drag myself to work. Every tick of the clock reminds me that I'm getting closer and closer to death. I'm going to die some day and it could be today. Did I want my last day on earth to be filled with work? Snotty tissues, crying children, gossiping coworkers.  Then I come home and stare  at my unfinished crafts  All the while that voice chants places I have never seen, experiences I have never had, the people I have never met. All this stuff I'm missing. All this life I'm not living.

That voice screams at me until it's too much. I can't ignore it.  It's bigger than me. I surrender.

Take me.